


I’m Not Going Anywhere

by MysteriousMidnight



Series: Dear Evan Hansen One Shots [14]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Evan is Eva, Fluff, One Shot, Other, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Some angst, TW for mention of past suicide attempts, Trans Evan Hansen, Treebros, convan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26985193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: Eva buys herself her first skirt. Connor walks in on her trying it on.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: Dear Evan Hansen One Shots [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757371
Comments: 16
Kudos: 72





	I’m Not Going Anywhere

**Author's Note:**

> This was an anonymous one-shot request from a mutual.
> 
> Please note: I'm not trans, but I worked with four (yes, four) sensitivity readers to ensure I didn't make a mess of this. So thank you to those who beta read! You're all amazing for helping me make this piece as accurate and well-written as possible!
> 
> Enjoy! <3

Eva let the front door slam behind her - not hard, just enough to indicate she was home.

“Eva, sweetie?”

Eva followed the sound of Heidi’s voice to the kitchen. She was already dressed in her scrubs, gathering what she needed for work.

“How was your appointment with Dr. Sherman?” Heidi asked, a hopeful smile on her face.

“Oh,” Eva shrugged. “It was okay.”

Heidi frowned. “Did you mention-“

“No,” Eva snapped. When Heidi frowned at her, she sighed. “Sorry. I just... You ask _every_ time, and... No. Not yet.”

“Honey, those appointments are meant to _help_ you. They won’t help you if you don’t put in the effort.”

“I _know_ ,” Eva sighed. “I’m trying. I swear. It’s just... it’s all been so weird since-“

Heidi stopped what she was doing and looked up, searching Eva’s face for signs of distress.

“You’re not-“

“No,” Eva insisted, rubbing her arm anxiously; the cast had been off for a few months now, but sometimes she rubbed her arm like it was still there. “No, I’m not thinking about- about doing anything, I swear. I’m just...” she shrugged, unable to put into words what she wanted to say.

“Well, good,” Heidi said, smiling tentatively. “Good! That’s- good.”

Heidi had been incredibly supportive ever since Eva had come out. But the confession had come right after her other confession - that she hadn’t fallen, she’d let go.

Admitting she’d let go had resulted in a 72-hour mandatory psych evaluation. After, Eva had begged Heidi not to send her to in-patient treatment. She’d insisted she wasn’t going to do it again, that it had been because she was struggling with her identity and had felt alone and depressed; but in the time since she’d ‘fallen,’ a lot had changed. She’d embraced her identity, met Connor, and gotten closer to Jared. She had things – people – in her life that mattered to her, and made her feel less alone.

Heidi had reluctantly agreed to convince Dr. Sherman that Eva didn’t need in-patient treatment, but she’d been watching Eva like a hawk since then.

Eva hadn’t admitted to Dr. Sherman that she was trans yet, though, and Heidi asked after every appointment if she’d told him. It wasn’t that she felt unsafe telling him. She just.. didn’t want to. The idea that she might have to “prove” she was trans in order to get an official diagnosis only added to her anxiety. But Dr. Sherman could help her get started on estrogen and help her start the process of getting top surgery, if Eva decided she wanted either - or both - things. The fact that it had clearly impacted her mental health, on top of that, had Heidi insisting it was important to bring up. Eva kept promising she would tell Dr. Sherman eventually, but it had been four months since she’d confessed to Heidi, and she still hadn’t told Dr. Sherman.

“So,” Heidi finally said, breaking the silence. “I have to head out to work. Is Connor coming over later?”

Eva nodded, blushing. “Um. Yeah.”

“Have you told _him_ yet?” Heidi asked, quirking a brow.

“I- N-no, not yet,” Eva admitted. Logically, she knew Connor would support her. But her anxious brain kept telling her she was going to lose him. Her heart ached just thinking about it.

“You should,” Heidi said. “I think you’ll feel better if you do.”

Eva shrugged, staring down at her feet.

Heidi sighed. “Okay, well, I’m off. But I’m a phone call away if you need me, okay?” Eva nodded, and Heidi planted a kiss on her forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Eva mumbled, watching as Heidi gathered her things.

“Oh, you got a package in the mail! I put it on your bed!” She called before slamming out the front door.

Eva perked up. A package? She was only expecting one package. Could it be here already? She ran upstairs, taking the steps two at a time and hurrying to her room. She picked up the thickly padded envelope and stared at it.

This was it. It was here.

Eva tore the package open, then hesitated before pulling out the contents - a short black skirt. Eva stared at it, rubbing the soft material between her fingers. It was simple, but it was the first skirt she’d bought herself. She placed it carefully on her bed, staring at it for a long time before snapping out of her daze.

Her fingers shook as she stepped out of her sneakers and kicked off her jeans. She picked the skirt up and stepped into it, zipping it up. She took a deep breath, then stepped in front of her mirror, eyes widening. The short skirt made her legs look twice as long. And she felt _pretty_. She twirled so the skirt floated around her in the air, giggling when it swished against her legs.

She was so caught up in the moment that she didn’t hear the front door close. Didn’t hear Connor’s footsteps thumping up the stairs. Her back was to the door, but she could see it open in the reflection from the mirror.

“Hey, Ev- Oh.”

Eva blushed, staring over her shoulder at Connor, eyes wide with panic. She was frozen; this wasn’t how she’d wanted to tell Connor. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She was waiting for Connor to turn around and walk away - to head back down the stairs and never look back.

Instead, Connor shuffled closer, holding his hand out. Eva hesitated before placing her hand in Connor’s. Connor squeezed, looking her up and down.

“Change of pronouns?” Connor asked.

Casual. Just like that.

Eva blushed, nodding. “I- Y-yeah.. Um.. she/her? And... C-can you call me Eva?”

“Eva,” Connor nodded. “I like it. You look so pretty, Eva.”

Eva felt her lip tremble. She could feel tears building in her eyes but she couldn’t stop them from falling.

“Hey,” Connor said, eyes widening. He reached up and gently swiped a tear away with his thumb. “What’s wrong?”

“I was- I thought-“ Eva sniffled, more tears falling.

“Come here,” Connor said, pulling Eva in for a hug. Eva buried her face against him, crying quietly into his hoodie. “Talk to me, Ev- Is Ev still okay?” Eva nodded into his chest. “Okay, talk to me, Ev.” He led her to her bed, making her sit.

“I was so- so scared you would... that you’d-“ Eva shook her head.

Connor frowned. “That I’d what? Leave? Be mad? Well, I’m not. I love _you_ , Eva.”

Eva sniffled, reaching out and resting her hands on Connor’s leg. “I love you, too.”

Connor leaned forward planting a kiss on Eva’s lips, wet from crying. “I love you more.”

“I love you most,” Eva countered, grinning into another kiss.

When Connor pulled back, he rested his forehead against Eva’s. “Wanna order pizza and watch a movie?”

Eva nodded. She let Connor lead her downstairs, where they curled up on the couch. Connor ordered their food, then wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. Eva rested her head on Connor’s shoulder, feeling safe and loved.

She couldn’t help but run her hands over her skirt as they sat there. She still couldn’t believe she owned a skirt, and she was wearing it. In front of Connor. She let out a shaky breath, trying to remember what her life had been like just a few months ago, but she couldn’t. Everything was perfect now.

“You okay?” Connor asked, pausing their movie.

“Hmm?” Eva asked, blinking up at him. “Oh.. Sorry, I was just... thinking.”

“About?” Connor prodded.

“Just.. Just thinking.” Eva picked at a loose thread on her skirt. She still hadn’t told Connor that she hadn’t fallen from that tree. It wasn’t like they hadn’t discussed their mental health with each other. Eva knew Connor had tried to kill himself once before, and he knew that she suffered from depression and anxiety, and that she saw a therapist. He’d probably understand – more than anyone, in fact. But confessing _that_ on top of coming out felt like.. a lot. Of course, it had worked with her mom..

“Eva?” Connor asked, resting a hand on her leg.

“I have to tell you something,” Eva blurted. And then immediately regretted it. It was too much, too soon. She pulled away, curling against the arm of the couch, picking at the hem of her skirt.

“Hey,” Connor said gently. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Eva’s lip trembled. “See, you say that now. But-“

“Ev,” Connor said softly. “C’mere.” He leaned forward, scooping Eva up and pulling her onto his lap. He smoothed her skirt out, resting his arm across her legs. “Talk to me.”

Eva turned so she could hide her face against Connor’s chest. She couldn’t look him in the eye, couldn’t stand to see the look of disgust on his face. This was almost harder than coming out.

“I-I didn’t... I didn’t fall.”

“What?” Connor asked, frowning. “What do you-“

“I let go.”

Silence.

Eva sniffled, trembling. It was quiet for so long, she would have been convinced Connor had left, except she was still sitting in his lap.

And then, suddenly, his arms were around her, pulling her close.

“It’s okay,” he murmured into her ear. “You’re okay.”

That was all it took to send her over the edge. She couldn’t hold back the tears as she sobbed into his shoulder. Connor just held her, rocking her and planting gentle kisses on her face, lips, forehead – anywhere he could reach.

It took several minutes before Eva was able to calm down and catch her breath. She sniffled, pulling away from Connor.

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he assured her.

She pointed at his sweatshirt. “Snot..”

Connor huffed a laugh. “Don’t care about that,” he said, cupping her face and brushing his thumbs under her eyes. “Only care about _you_ right now.”

“How could you?” Eva demanded, scrunching her face up. “How can you even _look_ at me, after- with everything I-“

Connor shushed her, planting a gentle kiss on her lips. “You’re beautiful, Eva. And I know what it’s like to feel that... alone. Like nothing matters anymore, and everyone would be better off...” He shook his head. “I’m glad you’re still here. I’m glad you came into my life. I’m glad you’re YOU. I love you.”

Eva’s lip trembled. “Me, too. I love you, too.”

Connor pulled her close again, and she melted into his arms, breathing in his comforting scent.

“Just promise me one thing,” Connor said suddenly.

“What?”

“Don’t ever let go again. If you ever feel that way again, just.. Talk to me? I can’t bear the thought of losing you..”

“I promise,” she assured him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good,” he sighed, kissing the top of her head again. “So. Does this mean I get to call you my beautiful girlfriend?”

Eva blushed, sighing contentedly. “Yeah. Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

“Me, too,” Connor agreed.


End file.
